Friday, May 12, 2006
OIL MYSTERIOUSLY SPEWS FROM PRESIDENT'S ASS
White House sources are exhuberantly predicting an end to the current oil crisis and a radical improvement in the Republican's fortunes in the November elections. Speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY these highly placed sources trace their elation to the fact that crude oil has suddenly and mysteriously begun spewing from President George W. Bush's rectum. "Initially the output was only a trickle," said the source, "but the flow has steadily increased to gusher proportions. A source in the Energy Department, also speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, stated that scientists had made preliminary measurements of the flow rate and determined that currently the President is generating 1,000 barrels per day.
Sources close to the White House and the Republican National Committee have added details to the breaking story. Physicians from Walter Reed were brought to the White House immediately after the President awakened in a pool of crude oil in his quarters at the White House on Monday May 8. Apparently, according to this White House source, also speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY because he is not authorized to discuss the matter, the President is producing these large quantities of crude oil with no damage to his health.
Another source in the Energy Department, also speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, revealed that a no-bid contract has been awarded to Halliburton Subsidiary Kellogg-Brown-Root to develop the "Bush Field," as the strike is being called, for commercial purposes. Although none of the story has been confirmed by the White House, the Sierra Club has already filed a Freedom Of Information suit demanding to know if the Vicepresident's long-rumored Secret Energy Task Force was involved in the decision to award the contract to KBR.
A source inside the Republican National Committee, again speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY because he does not work directly with energy issues, has said that the RNC believes the sudden appearance of a gusher of crude from the President's asshole will stymie all efforts of the Democrats to blame the current high price of gas on the President's failed energy policies. "First of all, with the Bush Field on line, we can withdraw our bid to drill in the ANWR, and then we'll look like the environmentally friendly party. Second, we'll highlight the theme that the Bush Field oil will relieve some of our dependence on foreign sources which will make us less vulnerable to being held hostage by the Iranians. We're the party that will allow citizens to keep their SUVs and Hummers and motor homes. This is a slam dunk. We can't lose. Bush and the Republicans come off as the party that protects America best against foreign intervention and preserves our auto-dependent way of life. With oil flowing from the President's ass, Al Gore and his energy-saving program comes off as wimpy."
Finally, a source in the Commerce Department and a source in the Defense Department, each speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, added information to the story. Apparently KBR will also be given a no-bid contract to build a pipeline from Washington DC to refineries on the Gulf Coast near New Orleans. Spinmeisters in the White House are expected to play up the economic benefits that will accrue to residents of Katrina-devastated Louisiana as a result of this conduit. Distressing news emerged from the Defense Department source though. Apparently Donald Rumsfeld is considering comandeering all the oil being produced in the Bush Field to support operations in Afghanistan and Iraq.
