Bush Plans Privatization of the Air We Breathe
A highly placed official in the Commerce Department, speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, has disclosed Bush Administration plans to sell rights to the atmosphere to an Enron derivative known as Airon. "It was inevitable that these companies who’ve acquired the rights to a public resource like water or electricity and then sold them to the people who originally owned them would eventually wake up to the opportunity afforded by the atmosphere we breathe," the official noted.
"Bush’s announcement has already been written," the official explained. "He’ll announce a privatization of efforts to clean up the atmosphere. That will be a cover for the real purpose, which is to allow Airon to take possession of the air cheaply, much like mining companies or oil companies get the government to allow them to purchase a resource that in fact belongs to the American people. What they do then is begin to charge drivers a fee for the oxygen their cars burn. They plan to charge the airlines for the oxygen their engines burn. Eventually their plan is to charge citizens a fee for the oxygen they consume daily."
Anticipating OCOA’s questions, the official, again speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, stated that Airon would have the right to cut off the air supply of persons who failed to pay the fees for breathing. "Hell, the water company will turn off your meter if you fail to pay your bill. Water is essential for life. So is oxygen. PG&E will turn off your electricity for failure to pay. We don’t consume electricity directly, but heat is necessary for life, and plenty of people have died after their gas or electricity was turned off in winter. Airon plans to install breathing restrictor devices on people who don’t pay. They’ll be able to inhale just enough air to maintain life, but not enough to walk or do much else. You’d probably be able to watch TV, but then if you couldn’t pay your Airon bill, it’s not likely that you’d have paid your cable company." Apparently poor or destitute people will be reduced to a completely sedentary life without entertainment or diversion.
"Bush will emphasize the compassionate side of his conservatism," according to the official who has seen the president’s speech. "He’ll announce a program to be called No Lung Left Empty that will supplement the small amount of oxygen that Airon will allow the poor to breathe with a dole from the government." The official explained that Airon will receive a $100 billion grant from the government to build air scrubbing plants designed to remove fly ash and other pollutants from massive quantities of air. There will be no oversight on the program, which will be run much like the Iraqi reconstruction effort. Paul Bremmer will be appointed to head the new federal agency that will disburse the monies. "Bush and Cheney believe Bremmer did such a fine job in Iraq that he is the logical person to direct the National Office of Air," said the official continuing to speak On Condition of Anonymity. Airon will pay no taxes on income collected from the nation’s breathing public, the official disclosed. The Oxygen Consumption Tax will be collected from every citizen beginning September 1, 2007, although the first of 500 air scrubbing stations is not expected to be operational until at least 2025.
K-Fed's Semen for Sale
The new boutique industry has sprung up, created when Britney Spears shaved her head and offered the hair for sale. The daughter of a salon owner in L.A. claims she swept up some of Spears's hair and is taking bids on EBay. A collector claims to have received an offer of one of Paris Hilton's toenail clippings.
According to a highly placed talent agent at the prestigious William Morris Agency, speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, Kevin Federline is now seeking bids for a dollop of his jissom that he claims he recovered from Spears's vagina after intercourse. In a related story, a cleaning woman from a West Hollywood motel has offered a bedsheet on EBay purported to be stained with Federline's semen. The cleaning woman, an illegal immigrant from El Salvador, is making the offer through an intermediary. "We've got a certificate stating that the semen is a DNA match to Federline," the intermediary said.
The Wm Morris talent agent sees a whole new market opening up. "We've been approached for scabs from Brad Pitt's abrasions and the contents of one of the adolescent actor Macaulay Culkin's zits," said the agent, speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY. "Knowing that Paris Hilton shaves her snatch, many potential buyers are asking for pubic hairs. Hilton is considering offering the curly keepsakes one at a time for a flat fee of $25,000 per hair."
"What will we see next," a reporter wondered, "requests for snot knocked from Sylvester Stallone's nose by Apollo Creed?" "We've had three offers already," said the agent, "with one bid of $50,000."
