OnConditionofAnonymity

At a hastily called news conference, a spokesperson for Myriad Genetics, the company that holds the valuable patent for detecting susceptibility to breast cancer, has denied that the company secretly paid Angelina Jolie five million dollars to go public with her mastectomy as a way of indirectly promoting its products.

Myriad Genetics, located in Salt Lake City, UT, owns the patent for two proteins, BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 that when mutated can lead to an increased risk for breast cancer. The genes were identified in federally funded research at U.C. Berkeley in 1990. The winner in an intense effort to clone the genes was a consortium including the University of Utah and Myriad Genetics. Myriad patented the genes.

Myriad produces a proprietary test kit, BRCAnalysis, that tests for mutations in the BRCA genes. The test kit sells for $3,000. The company has annual revenues of $500 million. Stock in Myriad has skyrocketed following Jolie's announcement of her mastectomy and her discussion in a New York Times article of the place that genetic testing played in her decision.

"Angelina Jolie's heart-wrenching decision to undergo preventative double-mastectomy was in no way related to the business of Myriad Genetics other than that Myriad produces the test kit Jolie's physicians used to determine her risk," the spokesperson stated. "For anyone to suggest otherwise is libelous and potentially actionable in a court of law. Myriad Genetics extends its heartfelt sympathy to Ms. Jolie and her family."

Myriad Genetics has been the focus of court actions regarding its business practices. The cost of the genetic testing places that valuable assessment tool out of the financial reach of many women. Recent investigations into pricing of medical procedures in different locations have shown that hospitals and clinics charge clients widely varying fees for the BRCA test. Often the extra charge is paid for by the government, so laboratories and providers end up benefiting monetarily at the expense of American taxpayers. The Myriad spokesperson denied any allegations of financial impropriety when encountered at the press conference.

    Attorneys for Incyte Corporation of Palo Alto, CA are taking legal action to protect against unlawful dissemination of the company’s patented human growth hormone gene.  Speaking On Condition Of Anonymity, a highly placed source in the company reported on company discussions.  “Incyte has spent literally hundreds of millions of dollars to isolate the gene for human growth hormone,” a company spokesman explained, “and the value of the gene is being degraded through dissemination that is not paid for.”

    Incyte attorneys’ hopes have been buoyed by the recent Supreme Court decision that said an Indiana farmer violated Monsanto Co.'s patents on soybean seeds resistant to its weed-killer by growing the beans without buying new seeds from the corporation.  Monsanto had inserted into the soybean genome a gene for Round-Up resistance it isolated from nature and patented.  The company cited Justice Kagan’s comment that the Indiana farmer planted Monsanto's patented soybeans solely to make and market replicas of them, thus depriving the company of the reward patent law provides for the sale of each article.  Kagan said, ‘Patent exhaustion provides no haven for such conduct.’

    Attorneys for the genetic engineering company are arguing that when men ejaculate into a woman, they are doing so “solely for the purpose of making replicas” of the human growth hormone gene, among others among the 24,000 genes in human DNA.  “Incyte owns the rights to the human growth hormone gene,” the spokesman stated, “and our patent does not become exhausted just because a man carries that gene in his sperm, a copy that he did not purchase from us.”

    Incyte hopes that universities and private firms who have patented at least 4,000 human genes or almost 20% of the human genome will join in the suit against unauthorized, unlawful, uncompensated dissemination of their products.  “Men need to face the fact that American and foreign corporations and universities own the rights to their genes and hence their sperm.  They must understand that the companies and universities have a right to be compensated for dissemination of their products,” said  Davis Longsdon, a patent attorney not affiliated with either Incyte or Monsanto.

    In their lawsuit, Incyte is demanding a fee of $1.00 for every ejaculation into a female by an unlicensed male.  “Masturbation doesn’t qualify,” said company attorneys, “because the objective is not dissemination of the patented gene.”  The company spokesman admitted that monitoring unauthorized spermic dissemination and collecting the fee could be problematical.  Industry insiders have said a consortium of genetic engineering companies and universities is developing an implantable microchip that would register ejaculations and would transmit the data to a central collection agency.  “Incyte estimates that it could earn as much as $500 million per year if the monitoring and reporting system were enabled,” stated the spokesman.  Bloomberg reported that Incyte stock rose 82.5 points in heavy trading shortly after the news was made public. 

Following the shootings of two younger sisters by their older brothers, Keystone Sporting Arms of Miltown, PA., maker of the Crickett and Chipmunk, marketed as "My First Rifle," announced a campaign today to arm younger sisters with handguns so they can protect themselves.  With the support of newly elected NRA president James Porter, an Alabama attorney noted for defending gun manufacturers, KSA stated it is acting to stem the wave of recent shootings of younger sisters by older brothers.

Referring to the Burkesville, KY death of a 2-year old sister who was shot by her 5-year old brother and the near fatal shooting of a Florida 6-year old girl by her 13-year old brother, NRA executive vice-president Wayne La Pierre affirmed NRA's opposition to any compromise on the freedom of Americans of any age to own guns.  "Tragic as it is, these deaths and shootings could have been prevented if the younger sisters had owned handguns," La Pierre stated. 

Keystone Sporting Arms will market a single-shot handgun in pink colors that is small enough and light enough to be effectively used by a girl as young as 2.  The weapon will come in two models, each designed to coat-tail on toys and TV characters popular with girls in the 2 to 10 age group.  One will be called "My Little Pistol" on the pattern of Hasbro's hugely successful "My Little Pony."  The other is "My Dora Defender" after "Dora the Explorer," the CBS and Nickelodeon TV series and franchise.  "My Little Pistol" will feature a mane of bright combable hair emerging from the handgun's grip.  "My Dora Defender" is decorated with images of a big-eyed little girl that evokes the TV character, Dora.

Adapting a slogan that has become the war cry of gun rights activists, La Pierre stated, "The only thing that will stop an older brother with a gun is a younger sister with a gun!"

Leaders in the Conservative Political Action Committee like Karl Rove, Senators Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Rand Paul have united with Tea Party activists like Sarah Palin and GOP leaders like Senator Mitch McConnell to call for outlaw climate change monitoring and research and to criminalize climate change reporting.

The conservative coalition was angered by reports of the United Nations' official weather agency, the World Meteorological Organization, study that announced record low levels of Arctic sea ice. The WMO study cataloged the increasing temperature of the planet, and the rising sea levels, as well as worsening severity of droughts and cyclones. The report noted "a disturbing sign of climate change" and stated that data "confirm that warming will continue."

Former Alaska Governor and GOP Vice-presidential candidate Palin commented that "these kinds of reports affirm the liberal agenda of destroying the economy." Her comments were echoed by conservative talk-show personality Ann Coulter who attacked the "radical-liberal-progressive scientific community that just wants to take away our freedoms." Coulter equated climate change reporting with terrorism and demanded that climatologists and climate reporters be branded as "enemy combatants" just like the Boston bombing Tsarnaev brothers. "These climate change reports," Coulter stated,"are just like a shrapnel bomb at the finish line of our great American economic marathon."

In a show of unity, Senators McConnell, Rubio, and Cruz appeared at a press conference to announce they will introduce legislation to make climate change research a federal felony with penalties of up to 20 years in prison for "studying, measuring, or theorizing about global warming, the effects of greenhouse gases, sea level increases, or drought and hurricanes." "We've got to stop the terrorist scientists," said Cruz, who also announced that "over 75% of American university climatologists are members of the UN conspiracy." Asked about enhanced interrogation techniques for the climatologists, Senator McConnell stated, "I see no reason not to apply the same methods to terrorist climatologists that are used on Al Qaeda terrorists. If our Justice Department and Defense Department deem it necessary to waterboard these scientists to uncover their membership in a global conspiracy, then it's up to Congress to provide our defenders with the tools they need to do their job of protecting the American economy and Americans."