OnConditionofAnonymity

    One of the organizers of FAITH, a recently formed conservative group, speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, discussed the goals of the group.  The organizer stated the group wanted its message broadcast, but feared it would be misunderstood.  Hence the anonymous disclosure.  “We know that in America misunderstanding is often met with violent reprisal, and we don’t want to become targets,” the organizer stated.

    FAITH, the acronym of the organization’s name, Fundamentalists Against Intolerance Toward Hate, is a Christian group.  “We all strongly believe in God, and we’ve all turned our will and our life over to Jesus Christ, His only begotten Son,” according to the organizer.  The organization’s literature states that members have been angry as they watched the erosion of the freedom to hate in America and elsewhere in the world.  “The First Amendment is meaningless if Americans’ freedom to hate is taken away from them,” said the organizer.  “We hate fags,” he said, “and we hate transgendered people, and we don’t want to have to share our bathrooms with them.”  FAITH believes that haters are discriminated against.  FAITH calls attention to the fact that America was founded on hate.  “The settlers and the frontiersmen hated the Indians.  No one stopped them from killing the people they hated,” the organizer stated.  “Same with Blacks,” he continued.  “I’d call them Niggers, but there’s so much intolerance for hatred that you can’t use that word any more,” he complained. 

    The organizer also commented that FAITH members hate women.  “They all have the power to deny us the sex that we deserve, and so we hate them.  We hate them because the most beautiful are the least likely to give us some pussy.”  The organizer stated that unwanted pregnancy is the way FAITH expresses its hatred of women.  “We are against abortion because it deprives us of the hate against women that we deserve to be able to express.”

    FAITH believes America is in decline because the freedom to hate is being destroyed.  “We had a perfect candidate for President in Ted Cruz, but America is so intolerant of hatred that the nomination was stolen from him.”  The organization believes that Donald Trump is the best alternative FAITH has left.  They are hoping he selects a vice presidential running mate like Governor Paul LePage of Maine who is someone “who hates just like we do” said the organizer, again speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY.

      An insider in Rush Limbaugh's entourage has stated ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY that the well-known, highly conservative talk show host has decided to commit suicide in hopes that he will be missed as much and loved as much as the late Robin Williams. 
 

      A highly placed insider at the secretive Offshore Tax Shelter Corporation (OTSC), speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, has disclosed that OTSC will soon roll out a new product, the Offshore Tax Shelter Collective.  "The new product will be marketed as A Tax Shelter for the 99%" the insider explained.  "OTSC believes that the average American is sick and tired of seeing how the big corporations and the wealthy 1% avoid paying their fair share of taxes.  Many Americans are envious that some corporations don't pay any taxes at all on billions of dollars of income," the insider disclosed.  

     According to descriptions provided by the insider, A Tax Shelter for the 99% will allow individuals to invest money in companies located in the Cayman Islands or the Seychelle Islands.  "Until now," the insider explained, "the cost of starting up an offshore corporation was more than one low- or middle-class person could afford.  Also, these tax shelters required sizable investments that individually the 99% simply could not afford."   By combining the investments of many individuals, A Tax Shelter for the 99% will have sufficient funds to assure a zero tax for average citizens.  "Say you're a family of four and you have a gross income of $60,000.  You're barely making it in America today, and on top of that the IRS will take $3,000 to $6,000 in taxes," the insider said.  "If you could save that tax money over several years, you could send your kids to college and save something for your retirement." 

      OTSC apparently hopes to cash in on the anger of the 99% at the income inequality that has divided America into a few haves and a very large and unhappy population of have-nots.  

     A highly placed official in the Executive branch of the U.S. government, speaking On Condition Of Anonymity, has leaked information that the Obama Administration will propose a law requiring all persons running for office at the government level to have obtained a license to practice politics.  The official has spoken off-the-record because the proposal has not been officially announced.  

     "This proposal is motivated by Obama's and other administration officials' frustration with the No-To-Everything stance of the Republicans," said the leaker.  The leaker disclosed some of the reasoning behind the proposal.  "Doctors are required to have a license to practice medicine.  They must prove they know medicine and will not harm their patients.  Psychologists and psychotherapists must have a degree in a mental health field, and they must accumulate long hours at poorly paid internships and then pass rigorous tests.  This is all to prevent doctors and therapists from harming clients."  

     The official continued, "Only public office holders are exempt from the licensing requirement.  Heck, even a plumber or a contractor must have a license.  A manicurist or a barber must have a license.  Public office holders are in a unique position to harm the electorate, and they often do, by denying abortion access or birth control access, for example.  Public office holders regularly support wars in which neither they nor their relatives have to fight."

     President Obama and other administration officials believe that if federal public office holders were required to pass a test demonstrating that they understand the Constitution, that they know about the Separation of Church and State upon which the nation was founded, that if they were required to know that only Congress has the right to declare war, or if they were educated on the actual words of the Second Amendment and its history, they might not harm the People they are supposedly serving.  

     According to the leaker, the proposed law will require office-seekers to have a 4 year degree from an accredited university in social science, history, or political science.  In order to qualify for license to run for office, candidates will have to accumulate 3,000 hours of public service in an internship for minimum wage.  After completing the required hours, candidates will have to pass two exhaustive exams.  At the end of that process, candidates will be granted a license to run for office and will then be free to campaign.  

    President Obama hopes that the proposed law will improve the quality of service the electorate receives from Congress and the Executive.  "Americans deserve professional quality service from Congress and the Executive, and they are not receiving that now," the leaker reports the president stating.  

     Want to experience Open Carry in a live shooting situation?  Want to get real instead of protesting for your Second Amendment Rights in a shopping mall like a wussy liberal?  The National Rifle Association has a vacation package just for you.  

     According to an close advisor to Wayne La Pierre, NRA chief, the gun advocacy group will soon announce a vacation tour package to Iraq and Syria.  The advisor spoke ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, because the NRA plan has not yet cleared hurdles at the U.S. Department of State.  According to the advisor, the NRA wants to give its members the opportunity to practice Stand Your Ground in situations where the opponent is armed and violent, as opposed to situations, for example George Zimmerman's shooting of Trayvon Martin, where the opponent is unarmed and passive.  

     The NRA advisor, continuing to speak ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, disclosed that the tours will take members into Baghdad where they will have the opportunity for Open Carry while walking through streets and markets that are nominally controlled by ISIS insurgents, Sunni or Shiite militias, remnants of the Iraqi army, paid assassins, U.S. Special Forces, Russian or Israeli secret service agents, or operatives from one of several private contractors working clandestinely in the Middle East.

     In the lawless environments of Iraq and Syria, NRA vacationers will have the opportunity for Stand Your Ground against armed people as young as 7 or 8, teenagers, and adult males.  One of the most exciting challenges for NRA tourists according to the advisor will be discriminating between actual women wearing the head-to-toe covering burqua and male fighters concealing weapons beneath head-to-toe covering burquas.  

     According to the advisor, again speaking strictly ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, La Pierre has said that "It won't make much difference" if an NRA tourist shoots an innocent person, because the tourists will be flown out of the Bagram airbase after 3 days in Baghdad.  Tourists will fly from Baghdad to Syria where they will have another 3 days to revel in the excitement of life in a nation without a Second Amendment or any limitations whatsoever on possession of handguns or assault rifles. 

     The NRA will house tourists in hotel rooms provided with alcoholic beverages that are strictly forbidden in Islamic countries.  "We want our members to experience the freedoms that we are denied here in America by the Kenyan socialist President Obama," La Pierre was reported to have said.  

     An infiltrator into the Christian Right's secret planning council, speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, has reported that the council, which includes such far-right Christian organizations as American Family Council, Family Research Council, and the Westboro Baptist Church, is planning demonstrations to protest the "blasphemous use of the word God" in the title of the hit movie "Godzilla."

     According to the infiltrator, one of the speakers at the secret meeting asked rhetorically, "Is there no length to which the pagan, satan-worshipping movie industry will not go to associate the Creator with a hulking, fire-breathing, city-destroying beast?"  

     Movie goers can expect to have to cross picket lines of placard waving ultra-right Christian protestors in the coming week.  The Westboro group displayed a sign that read GOD HATES MOVIEGOERS according to the infiltrator.  Another sign read IF YOU LIKE GODZILLA YOU ARE GOING TO HELL. 

PELOSI/IMPEACHMENT HELD HOSTAGE BY DEATH THREAT

Many Democratis Party loyalists have felt betrayed by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's decision to "take impeachment off the table." Now, an insider at a major arms industry corporation has provided an explanation for Pelosi's decision. According to the insider, who claims he would be murdered himself if he did not speak ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, the corporations comprising the Military Industrial Complex threatened Pelosi with death if she did not withdraw her pre-election threat of impeachment.

     Fox News ("Fair and Balanced") is reporting that several aliens have escaped from the infamous Area 51 northwest of Las Vegas, NV.  Long rumored to house the bodies and spacecraft of aliens, the site on the outskirts of Edwards Air Force Base is officially a testing site for advanced weapons.  The intense government secrecy concerning the site has prompted speculation over several decades that alien flying saucers that had crashed were being examined there and that the bodies of aliens who had died in the putative crashes were being autopsied. 

     Now Fox News has entered the fray with a frantic breaking news story that aliens had actually escaped from the facility and that one of them, in a story reminiscent of the movie "The Bodysnatchers," had taken over the body of ordained minister and 2012 presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee.  According to the Fox News broadcast, which in a sinister move was pulled from the air shortly before it was to air on Sunday evening, January 5 at 11 PM ET, the alien inhabiting Huckabee's body was attempting to sow dissent by making extreme and inaccurate comments.  Specifically, the alien is alleged to have forced Huckabee to link the removal from life-support of brain-dead young Oakland, CA resident Jahi McMath to forced abortions and Nazi death camps.

     The Fox News broadcast was reported by a senior Fox News technician speaking On Condition Of Anonymity.   "Fox pulled the story," according to the technician, "because Huckabee is a widely respected commentator, and even if an alien has taken over his body, Fox does not want to discredit one of the network's most important conservative voices."  

     "The 26% of Americans who are so stupid they will believe whatever Huckabee or any of the other reporters or commentators on Fox will say don't really care if he's an alien," the disaffected technician stated, speaking On Condition Of Anonymity because he fears for his job and even his life.  "I don't know if Huckabee is an alien or not," said the technician, "but he might as well be given the idiotic crap he's saying.  The McMath family is facing a terrible tragedy, and Huckabee and Fox are trying to make it about Obamacare.  If Huckabee really is an alien, then aliens have no compassion whatsoever.  We humans should be very afraid of an alien takeover, because if Huckabee is any example, they will destroy us all without a second thought."